


Building sandcastles in the storm

by perthtalay



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soloists, Angst, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Enemies to Lovers, Exes to Lovers, Getting Back Together, Happy Ending, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative, Technically Enemies to Friends to Lovers to Enemies to Lovers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-19
Updated: 2021-01-19
Packaged: 2021-03-18 04:16:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,016
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28860939
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/perthtalay/pseuds/perthtalay
Summary: Hating Hwang Hyunjin was always so easy. He's too selfless, too talented and too pretty for his own good.But then Jisung has to write a song with him and in the process he discovers that maybe hating Hyunjin is easy, but he wants to try the hard way this time around.
Relationships: Han Jisung | Han & Seo Changbin, Han Jisung | Han/Hwang Hyunjin
Comments: 2
Kudos: 93





	Building sandcastles in the storm

**Author's Note:**

> [ 1 ] rated T for mentions of alcohol and swearing
> 
> [ 2 ] unedited, i finished writing it the same day i'm posting it so excuse any mistakes for now

Here are the facts.

One: Jisung didn't want to go to the meeting. He despised any reminders that he wasn't the independent underground rapper that he felt he was on a day–to–day basis, and he hated his bosses and their bosses even more. He never liked being told what and how to do, but these monthly meetings with the CEO's and the team responsible for promoting (or management, or diets, or choreographies, or the damn censorship of his songs, he really didn't know – and in fact did not care either) reminded him that he was only  _ the company's bitch _ , as he liked to say.

Two: he almost walked out the moment he entered the room.

In his defence, it wasn't all his fault he was late. He was almost there when he stumbled into someone's secretary and knocked the cups with coffee she was holding out of her hands. As a gentleman he was (or a ball of anxiety and fear of being hated for something like this) he helped her clean everything up, only after a few minutes remembering what he was doing in that part of the building in the first place. He rushed to the room where the meeting was to take place, but something was off – maybe it was the amount of people in there, maybe it was that face he recognised in the crowd that he really wasn't supposed to see here.

“Oh, Jisung! Good thing you're finally here, have a seat”

He stopped in his tracks. It took him a few seconds to sit down next to his manager.

Three: it took every last bit of self–control he had not to stand up and start yelling. _No_ , he will not make a song with Hwang Hyunjin! Why him of all people! But he sealed his mouth shut and listened to everything the old men in suits had to say to him. “No, I don't want a producer.” He wasn't looking at anyone besides his manager and the blurry image of his fingers underneath the milky glass table. “I can produce my own songs.” Maybe he sounded too conceited, but at least he wasn't screaming _I don't_ _want to collaborate with him_ at the top of his lungs.

“We will leave you alone now, if you want to plan anything together,” said one of the CEO's, walking out of the room with the rest.

It was only Jisung, his manager and Hwang Hyunjin himself in the room now, and it wasn't getting any better. The atmosphere was maybe only becoming more stiffly uncomfortable.

Jisung's manager was explaining something to Hwang Hyunjin, but Jisung himself wasn't listening, too busy concentrating on how he absolutely _ hated  _ the situation he was pushed into, and how absolutely unsettling and foreign Hwang Hyunjin looked with his long blond hair, blue contacts and a stare that wasn't leaving Jisung. He almost groaned out loud.

“Jisung?” his manager called out, getting him out of his mind for a moment. “Were you even listening?”

“Not really,” he murmured in response, rolling his eyes. “Can we go now?”

He knew he appeared bratty, but he was desperate to do anything not to have to sit in this room with Hwang Hyunjin and not to have to make a song with Hwang Hyunjin, and not to have to pretend to be interested in doing anything with Hwang Hyunjin.

“No,” he responded with an exasperated tone, but Jisung could have sworn he heard a bit of amusement. He couldn't look at him to confirm his suspicions because at the moment he was squinting with his lips pursed and brows frown, and arms crossed, and an expression that said  _ get me out of here _ – and to gaze up he would have to break the character. “I was saying that you can produce the song, right?”

Jisung nodded, not bothering to look at Hyunjin, let alone open his mouth to say anything in his direction.

“Are you sure?” Hwang Hyunjin asked and Jisung somehow knew without sparing him a glance there was a smirk on his face and his unsettling eyes have turned even more unsettling with that expression they were making that was somewhere between teasing and disgust. “I mean, shouldn't we really ask someone more  _ experienced _ for help? Maybe it would help us put out something  _ better _ ?”

Jisung's hands turned into tight fists and he was ready to punch Hwang Hyunjin's face any given time, but his manager spoke up again, probably aware of how these words almost sent Jisung over the edge.

“I believe Jisung is experienced enough,” he said, clearly ending the discussion. Jisung's fists slowly relaxed. Maybe he won't kill Hwang Hyunjin just yet. “Where is your manager anyway, Hyunjin? Shouldn't she be discussing this with us too?”

Hwang Hyunjin snorted. “I don't have a manager anymore. I manage myself.”

If Jisung didn't hate Hwang Hyunjin's guts before, he definitely did now.

  
  


*

  
  


It was a warm day. Jisung's hair was sticking to his forehead as he fell down again, his face cringing in pain immediately.

“What's wrong with you today?” Changbin was the first one to break the silence, the rest the trainees in the room just staring at the scene before them. “Maybe you should take a break.”

Jisung hissed, massaging his ankle. “No,” he replied after a moment. “Just play the music again.”

He and Changbin were practicing their choreography for that month's evaluation. It was a good one, Jisung had to admit. If they were idols, bits of it could have made it to an actual choreography for a title track, but, well, they were barely trainees and neither of them really dreamed of debuting in a group.

In fact, Changbin always wanted to be a dancer. Then they switched him to vocals. Then he ended up in rap, where he met Jisung, who auditioned with the thought of becoming a rapper in mind. Sometimes, when they had one too many illegally bought drinks, they talked about how they're both training like they're about to debut as a boy band when Jisung wanted to be a soloist, and to change the perception of rappers trained like idols, and to be the first solo rapper to debut in his company, while Changbin just wanted to produce for others and dance for himself, to be hidden in the shadow willingly, not outshined by other group members. Then Jisung would sigh and say that maybe this was how it was supposed to be, not believing in any of these words, and Changbin would add that everything would be alright, having only hope that he was right.

But years later they were both still trainees, still dancing, singing and rapping in preparation for idol debut. And Jisung was starting to be fed up with everything.

Maybe that was why he was falling so much that day. How could he have focused on the dance when his mind was fixated on dropping everything and running away. He was close to getting out of the practice room and never going back.

The door to the room opened just when he was almost tripping again, barely caught by Changbin's arms.

Jisung almost felt time slowing down. It was the new soloist under their label, the one who was on everybody's tongues for the past few weeks. He got scouted from another company and managed to debut in a few weeks without practically any training. It was enough to make Jisung hate him. But the smug expression as he moved through the room to whisper something to a choreographer practicing with another group, and his messy black hair styled to look not styled, and his insanely pretty face combined with almost impossible body proportions made hating Hwang Hyunjin so much easier.

And then he waved towards Changbin.

Jisung turned around to look at his friend, expecting to find at least a bit of embarrassment on his face. “You  _ know  _ him?” he asked, trying to get any reaction out of Changbin.

“Yeah,” Changbin replied, leaving Jisung wishing he never asked.

“Wanna elaborate?”

“Oh. Right,” he said like he just realised what Jisung had meant. “I met him a few days ago in the café across the street. He, uh, he tried to flirt with me?” He suddenly got really quiet, his cheeks flushing as he smiled shyly. “But I, uh, I said something, I don't really remember what anymore, and he realised I was a trainee here, and he looked so down for some reason, so I comforted him a little and we went our separate ways.”

“And you didn't bother to tell me  _ the _ Hwang fucking Hyunjin flirted with you?” Jisung exclaimed, overdoing his annoyed voice a little too much to make Changbin think he was actually mad. “Whoa, my friend is so popular that he forgets actual idols want to ask him out!”

“Shut up, Jisung,” Changbin mumbled, his eyes wandering all over the room.

“I will  _ never  _ shut up about it.”

Jisung did in fact shut up about it after a few days and never mentioned it again. Especially after he saw Changbin making out with someone who definitely wasn't Hwang Hyunjin.

  
  


*

  
  


For some reason Hwang Hyunjin was everything that made Jisung shiver. He was confident in both his skills and looks, he had an amazing stage presence like the stage was home to him, he was unapologetically himself, always saying what he wanted to. He was unmoved or emotional, cold or supportive, depending on what the situation demanded from him. He was so easy to read yet it never bothered him like he didn’t have anything to hide. He was everything Jisung wanted to be.

Jisung has been trying to muster up the courage and make his pride shut up to contact Hwang Hyunjin about their  _ collab  _ for weeks just for him to randomly text Jisung when he was right in the middle of recording vocals for one of his songs.

**hhj_00:** hey

**hhj_00:** you wanna pretend that we don't have to make that song forever or maybe you're gonna act like an adult?

Well, it was one more thing for the  _ reasons why I hate Hwang Hyunjin _ list. Not only was he too confident for Jisung's liking, but also he managed to insult him in at least three ways in that short message.

**quokkahan:** maybe if you weren't avoiding me every time we run into each other…

To be fair, Jisung did want to talk to him, just a few days after the meeting. He and Changbin went to get their weekly coffee to catch up when they saw Hwang Hyunjin in the same café. He waved at Changbin, and upon seeing Jisung, he turned away and walked off.

A few days later they passed each other in the corridor on the fourth floor. Jisung barely managed to open his mouth before Hwang Hyunjin just literally ran off.

Next time he saw Hwang Hyunjin (it was a Wednesday and Jisung had missed Changbin too much so he went to see him at his studio, but the only person he met there was Hwang Hyunjin), he almost said something besides  _ what are you doing here? _ . Almost. But Hyunjin just stood up from the couch and walked away, leaving Jisung dumbfounded.

(He learned from Changbin later on that Hwang Hyunjin was supposed to be recording his song there. He didn't ask why Hwang Hyunjin couldn't use another studio or if he didn't have his own. Not that he cared anyway.)

He didn't reply, but Jisung didn't even notice it, focused on editing the newest sound tracks. He was already liking that song, even though he hadn't even finished working on the first draft. It was something new and Jisung liked new things, and it reminded him of something that he couldn't quite put into words.

Instead, Hwang Hyunjin barged into Jisung's studio, making him almost jump out of his chair.

“I'm here,” he announced, his cheery voice drilling holes in Jisung's tired head.

Jisung was quiet for a second, staring Hyunjin up and down. “I can see that.”

There was always something about him that made Jisung's skin crawl. Or maybe it was just goosebumps.

“So.”

“So?”

Hwang Hyunjin sighed. “Any ideas? I wanna get over it quickly so I can go back to more important things?”

It was Jisung's turn to sigh, rolling his eyes as his shoulders tensed up. He didn't like the connotation Hyunjin's words carried. “Such as?” he asked, a cocky smile on his face, like he couldn't imagine the other doing anything more important than standing there in his studio, an exasperated expression on his pretty face, hands on his hips and one foot tapping the floor.

“Such as anything other than spending time with you.”

Something inside Jisung almost said  _ ouch _ , but he didn't let it show. “Well, in fact I do have more important things to do too,” he said instead, “so I'm gonna get back to them, as the actual adult I am.” His face was almost expressionless as he turned around in his chair and pretended to focus on the file on his laptop with his heart beating too fast for his liking. He really didn't like confrontations. “Sorry, princess,” he added thoughtlessly.

_ Wait. _

“Look at this, Han Jisung is pretending to ignore me,” Hyunjin scoffed.

_ I called him  _ princess.  _ Crap. Crapcrapcrap _ . Jisung's face heated up and he felt the need to smash his head onto the nearest surface.

“Fine,” Hyunjin continued, probably turning around and walking out, judging from his receding footsteps.

_ Jisung, you goddamn idiot! _

“You know what, fuck you, Han Jisung.”

  
  


*

  
  


“Fuck you, Hwang Hyunjin!”

Jisung's back was pressed onto the wall behind him and something inside him was turning (with disgust. Of course it was disgust.), Hyunjin's face too close and his hair too messy, and his smile too big, and his eyes too excited.

“Sorry!” he giggled.

He couldn't believe he ended up in the old bathroom at the end of the corridor of his dorm's floor, the one that no one was using anymore because it was so rundown it was almost creepy. Almost, because Jisung of course wasn't a coward and he wouldn't be spooked by merely a room. But there he was, in one cabin with Hwang Hyunjin who was definitely too happy about running away from one of the guards who wanted to reprimand them, probably about being so loud at such a late hour, probably because they were standing in the middle of the staircase, yelling at each other something along the lines of:

“You're so bad at rapping, how did you even debut?”

“Apparently I'm better than you, Mr Rapper, because I actually debuted! Maybe if you focused on training, you would have too!”

Or:

“All you have is this pretty face and no talent whatsoever!”

“Aw, you think I'm pretty?”

Or:

“Have you produced one song in your life?”

“Have you created one choreography in your life?”

Jisung wasn't sure anymore, it was a bit of a blur, which argument was the one they had now and which were the ones they had before. What was important now was that Hwang Hyunjin was a meter and a half away from him, not able to stop laughing, like this situation was funny.

Okay, maybe it was. Just a bit. After all, you don't end up basically locked in such a small space with the person you've been arguing with every time you two met for the last two months (which was too often, because Changbin started inviting Hyunjin to their dorm and Jisung was automatically forced to hang out with him).

He finally snorted, leaving Hyunjin shocked. “That's ridiculous,” he sighed, shaking his head, but a small smile stayed on his face. “How long will we even be hiding here?”

Hyunjin plopped down on the floor, fortunately not too dirty, and stared up at Jisung. “Who knows? Maybe the whole night.”

Jisung looked back at him, ready to agrue again, because  _ Hwang Hyunjin, you must be fucking insane to think I will spend the whole night here with you _ , but his eyes were shining in a way Jisung had never seen them and he realised that Hwang Hyunjin was in fact joking.  _ Joking. _

He sat down on the floor too, trying to make his and Hyunjin's knees not touch, which was a bit difficult with how little space they had and how much space Hyunjin's long legs were taking up.

“Can't wait to spend the night with you then,” Jisung teased, almost winking, when he suddenly realised that he was  _ almost flirting with Hwang Hyunjin _ .

Well. For one night he could allow himself to be a little friendly even with Hwang Hyunjin.

(If he realised back then that they probably could have gone back to their respective dorms instead of sitting there, he didn't want to think about that possibility. The thrill of adventure, combined with something about this Hyunjin — open, kind, a little flirty, not the cold unattainable god he was used to seeing — was enough to make him forget about everything besides the small distance between their knees and the face in front of him.)

“I'm calling truce for one night then,” Hyunjin replied, mocking Jisung's tone.

It made Jisung almost laugh, then almost get mad, then just let it slide and act like it was normal.

“Fine,” he shrugged finally.

Silence. Jisung was fiddling with the strings of his hoodie, Hyunjin was tapping his fingers on his thigh.

Silence. It was really starting to get awkward.

“Okay, what should we do? I can't stand this,” Hyunjin said, running his fingers through his hair.

“Do I look like a person who knows?”

Hyunjin giggled. (Jisung could have sworn just a few hours before that it was the most annoying sound on this planet, but somehow now it wasn't that bad.) “Well, if I'm honest, you don't look like a person who knows anything, but I gave you the benefit of the doubt and assumed that maybe you do think sometimes.”

Jisung couldn't believe that he didn't get mad. Instead, he smiled back. “If you realise I don't know anything, then why ask me?”

Hyunjin continued to giggle and for a moment Jisung forgot that they didn't like each other.

_ “Why do you hate me so much?” _

And the moment was gone.

“What?” Jisung was caught off guard. He furrowed his brows.

“Did I do something to you?”

“Oh.”  _ Oh.  _ He almost felt bad. “Wait, you're serious? You want an honest answer?”

Hyunjin just nodded, not taking his gaze off Jisung, who on the contrary was looking anywhere else than Hyunjin.

“I– Well, besides the fact that you're incredibly annoying?” he teased, only afterwards realising it wasn't the best time. “Right. Jeez, it's so weird. I mean, there's something about you, something I just can't stand. You walk around like you're some kind of god, with your pretty face, and your perfect body. And well, but you didn't hear it from me, you dance really good and you actually enjoy it, and it's what I absolutely hate, because I, for one, hate dancing and am shit at it.”

“You're not that bad,” Hyunjin interrupted, his face looking almost concerned.

“I'm telling you here why I hate you and you comfort me? See, this is another reason. Why are you so selfless? It feels a bit fake at this point, no one can be this kind while also being confident and talented. You don't seem human, Hwang Hyunjin.”

He was quiet for a few moments too long.

“So in conclusion, you hate because you think I'm perfect?” he asked, smirking, but his tone was serious.

“Shut up.”

“No, this is actually better than I expected. I thought I was some kind of asshole to you.”

“You kind of are.” Jisung tried laughing. “Why do  _ you  _ hate  _ me  _ then?”

“I don't.”

Jisung barely restrained himself from smashing his head on one of the walls.

“I'm serious. I maybe dislike you a bit, mostly because you don't like me either.” Hyunjin looked at Jisung carefully. “Can we actually solve this? If I convince you that I'm not as perfect as you think I am, will you still hate me?”

“Try me, Hwang.”

  
  


*

“So you're telling me  _ he  _ came to  _ you _ and you just straight up ignored him?”

It was an emergency meeting, with Jisung sneaking a lot of alcohol into Changbin's studio (because he couldn't wait till he would be going home) and with Changbin gradually turning more and more disappointed.

“Basically,” Jisung replied, his mind already a little hazy. Not quite drunk yet, but tipsy enough to see the room spinning if he moved too fast.

“What are you, fifteen?” Changbin was clearly at the very least exasperated. “You need to start dealing with your problems, man.”

Jisung looked like he was thinking deeply for a while, but then he shook his head. “But not today.”

“I'll let you off today,” Changbin laughed shortly, probably not sober enough already to deal with Jisung. “But you really have to somehow talk to him.”

“Let's talk about you now. Lee Minho, the dancer, huh?” Jisung quickly recognised a possibility to change the topic, but was shut out by Changbin's sharp  _ no _ .

He sighed into the bottle of soju. Changbin was right, of course, but it didn't make it any less bearable.

Somehow the next day he still ran into the practice room Hwang Hyunjin was supposed to be, well, practicing.

(He may have also learned from Changbin, when he asked him about Hyunjin's whereabouts, that he was preparing for a comeback that was set on a date only a bit further from when their collab was to be released. Which of course wasn't the main reason he stormed into the room.)

“I think I finally know why you're so fixated on that collab,” he said, standing in the entrance, arms crossed, hiding his closed fists, and a fake look of confidence on his face, hiding the rainbow of anxiety in different flavours.

Hyunjin stumbled in his steps, almost falling down, and turned to look at Jisung. His brows furrowed immediately as he turned off the music and stepped a little closer.

“You have a comeback, huh?” Jisung continued. “You could use the promotion from a collab with another well–known artist– oh, like me for example!”

Hwang Hyunjin fixed his gaze on Jisung, his head was tilted a bit to the left as if in confusion, but his eyes were too emotionless, barely human. It sent shivers down Jisung's spine.

“What are you even talking about?” Hyunjin finally asked, not letting Jisung assume anything from the tone of his voice.

“Were you the one to suggest this or did they come up with that?” Jisung hissed. “You know, I didn't think I could think even lower of you, but you surprised me.”

Hyunjin stayed quiet, either too confused or not concerned enough to speak up. He just put his hand in the pocket of his sweats and raised his eyebrows, and Jisung was too put off by the lack of emotion to even try to analyse his behaviour.

“Fine, Hwang Hyunjin, we'll do it your way. And don't try to bother me ever again.”

Jisung walked out of the room, heading straight to his studio.

Four hours, three calls to Changbin, seven almost–breakdowns and a million curses later Hwang Hyunjin got an unexpected message.

**quokkahan:** here's my part of our song <3

**_quokkahan sent an attachment_ **

Hyunjin put on his headphones in an instant.

He almost laughed. Then almost cried. Then went downstairs to ask which studio was currently free.

*

  
  


After the time they made peace in the old bathroom Hyunjin always made sure to bring Jisung a nice lunch when he was staying up in the studio he somehow managed to borrow for an evening from one of the producers and Jisung always stayed with Hyunjin when he was practicing up until morning. Changbin started saying that if they hadn’t had that petty war going on, they would have been friends a long time ago, but both of them groaned whenever he complained, even though they couldn't disagree. Then they started to spend even more time together when Changbin admitted he was seeing  _ this cute exchange student from his school _ , so Jisung went to complain about everything to Hyunjin and Hyunjin went to watch a dumb movie on a bad day with Jisung.

“So is it a  _ Love and other disasters  _ or  _ The fault in our stars _ kind of mood?” Jisung asked, pulling out a hoodie from his closet for Hyunjin who wouldn't stop complaining about being cold. He picked one that he didn’t wear that often, fearing that it would disappear like the one he had lent Hyunjin before.

“I'm feeling something new,” Hyunjin replied, scrolling through Netflix's recommended movies. “You know, something we haven't seen before.”

Jisung nodded, throwing Hyunjin the hoodie. Then he sat down and started browsing the movies with Hyunjin. “What about that one? No, the one before– yes, this one.” He pointed towards the screen, guiding the other.

“Seems sad enough.” Hyunjin shrugged, played the movie and put the hoodie on. He smiled shortly before leaning down to lay his head in Jisung's lap.

They were almost halfway through the movie when Jisung finally spoke up. “Talk to me.”

Hyunjin seemed confused. His eyebrows were tightened, lips pursed, almost looking like a cute puppy.

“What's wrong? Come on, I'm here, you can talk to me about it,” Jisung sighed.

“Oh.” That was all Hyunjin managed to say. It took him a few more moments to actually start talking. “My parents found out I'm gay. Accidentally. Not that they aren't supportive, but they are definitely disappointed I'm not the perfect son they imagined. You know, they thought I would be this successful dancer, have a nice wife at thirty, three kids at forty, retire from being an idol and never have to work for the rest of my life. But then they realised that I'm not making that much money and unless I go crazy popular I never will, and now they know I'll never give them grandkids or something like that. And I feel I just have to keep on working harder to at least make them proud of me in that one aspect.”

Jisung was stunned. Hyunjin's tears were enough to make him unable to speak, but the words he was sputtering made him want to say something. He bit his lips. He was never good with words, unless they were song lyrics.

“That's not fair,” he managed to say.

“What?” Hyunjin sat up, smiling while wiping off his tears.

“That we're supposed to prove ourselves to still be worthy of our parents' love. Why are we expected to  _ at least  _ be the best in what we do to feel like we're not that bad? That's not fair. If you were straight, you would never have to feel like you had to try harder to make your parents proud.”

Hyunjin didn't say anything more. He nodded, leaning back into the couch.

A few minutes later both of them realised neither had ever come out to the other, but they somehow had still known.

_ Weird,  _ thought Hyunjin, trying to focus on the movie.

_ Did he know already? _ , thought Jisung, stealing a glance at Hyunjin.

They never really talked about it again, but the fact that they just  _ knew  _ things like that about each other stayed at the back of Jisung's mind when he learned Hyunjin liked vanilla ice cream and didn't like raspberries, and when he told Hyunjin he thought sunsets were overrated, and when Hyunjin said he always dreamed about kissing someone on a rooftop like in the movies, and when Jisung was fidgeting in his bed late at night thinking about how he was supposed to wake up early and how his heart was flipping even at the thought of Hyunjin. And somehow he still didn't know what Hyunjin's favourite colour was or which tv series he watched in middle school, but he  _ knew  _ – or maybe had this weird feeling, a hunch, hidden deep inside him in a place that his conscious mind never reached fully – that Hyunjin was starting to feel the same fuzzy thing he did.

  
  


*

  
  


Hyunjin stepped into the supposedly empty studio, quickly learning that it was still occupied, judging by the small figure sitting in the chair. He almost left immediately, but this weird suspicion made him stop in his tracks. There was something wrong, but he couldn't put a finger to it yet.

Everything looked pretty normal — someone sitting in front of the computer, probably still working on something despite the late hour. Then Hyunjin noticed there were no headphones on their ears, which was a little unusual; then he saw the figure moving in a way he could have assumed was rocking back and forth to music, but there was no music; only then did he realise what was truly wrong with the picture in front of him — it was Jisung, knees under his chin, sitting in a studio that wasn’t his own, his tiny body looking even tinier than usual as he let out sounds that could only be sobbing.

“Hey, uh–” he stopped when Jisung turned around horrified, his eyes all welled up with tears and chin shaking as he tried to look normal. “You okay?” Hyunjin asked carefully.

Jisung quickly wiped his face with the sleeves of his hoodie. “Yeah, um, I’m fine,” he replied, forgetting his usual snark and attitude around Hwang Hyunjin. His cheeks were burning and he didn’t know if the reason was embarrassment or the time he spent sobbing in that room. “Sorry, you probably wanted to use the studio and I, um, occupied it so don’t mind me, I’m going now,” he almost giggled nervously. “Sorry again–”

He got stopped by both Hyunjin’s hand tugging at his wrist and his words that interrupted his anxious rambling. “What’s going on, Jisung?”

He smiled in response, but the dim lights of the studio revealed his red eyes and still trembling lips. “What do you mean? Nothing is going on, I’m leaving.”

“Jisung…”

He didn’t reply this time, slowly losing the will to argue. His shoulders slumped down as he sighed, looking at his shoes.

“What happened?”

“Do you really care, Hwang Hyunjin?” he snarked with a weak voice. “Or do you just don’t want to feel guilty?”

Hyunjin went quiet, slowly loosening the grip on Jisung’s wrist and releasing it. He couldn’t bear to look at Jisung, who snorted sadly and was ready to leave again.

“I do care,” he all but whispered, but somehow Jisung still heard him. “I always cared, you know it, Jisung.”

If anyone asked Jisung what had happened later, he would have simply stayed quiet, not knowing how to admit that he finally broke down again, still turned away from Hyunjin, and that his self–proclaimed enemy hugged him from behind. What would be even worse to explain was how he turned around and buried his face in Hyunjin’s clothes, letting him pat his head lightly and whisper  _ it’s gonna be okay _ into his hair, and how he actually believed him, slowly stopping sobbing and shaking his head when Hyunjin asked if he wanted to talk about.

Maybe that’s why Hyunjin was so shocked when the next time they saw each other Jisung ignored him completely and the time after this he picked a fight again. He couldn’t know that he was too embarrassed about what happened that evening and what was the reason he was crying in that empty studio in the first place, so he resorted to the only thing he knew — faux bravado and confidence, and hating Hwang Hyunjin like it was his only personality trait, so he wouldn’t have to think about what that situation made him realise his feelings towards him were.

The next day Hwang Hyunjin went back to the studio to finish what he didn’t get to start last time.

**_hhj_00 sent an attachment_ **

**hhj_00:** it’s your turn now, mr producer :)

  
  


*

  
  


Hyunjin barged into Jisung’s room like it was his own, his hair a mess and cheeks so red like he just ran a few kilometers.

“I found it!”

“Found what exactly?” Jisung groaned, still half–asleep, rubbing his eyes.

“Tomorrow, 3 AM. I’m gonna pick you up and I’ll show you.”

Jisung didn’t even get to complain about the hour Hyunjin chose because he suddenly got pushed to the side of his own bed as Hyunjin climbed into it, hugging Jisung closely and warming up under the blanket. He instead asked if Hyunjin was cold and seeing him nod, he pulled him closer, wrapping arms around him and mumbling about how stupid he was to walk around dressed so lightly and how he wouldn’t be taking care of him if he caught a cold, but both of them knew he would cover Hyunjin whole in blankets and stay the next few days at his dorm with him if that was the case.

The next day Hyunjin did in fact wake him up around 3 AM and walked him outside, guiding him god knew where while rambling about anything and everything like always did. Jisung was still sleepy, but he tried to attentively listen to what Hyunjin was saying, a small smile on his face and eyes focused on both the one beside him and the road. They reached an old building and Hyunjin led them around it to the back. There was a rusty ladder leading to the top.

“Are you crazy?” Jisung asked when Hyunjin looked at him with an enthusiastic expression that could only mean  _ let’s go up _ . He sighed, hiding a smile. “I should have known you just got closer to me to finally kill me,” he said, getting on the ladder anyway. “If I die, tell Changbin I was the one who took his last energy drink.”

“That was you?” Hyunjin was following him up the ladder, giggling softly. “I knew it! I don’t know why he trusted you when you said you didn’t know what happened to it.”

“He just loves me too much!”

Jisung climbed over the railing securing the rooftop, his heart beating too fast both from anxiety and excitement. Hyunjin met him there in a moment, taking his hand in his and walking over to a bench.

(Only a few moments later had Jisung noticed how natural it was that Hyunjin held his hand. It was like their hands were made to hold each other, they fit together so well. He felt his cheeks heating up at the mere thought that maybe it was just the case with him and Hyunjin. They fit together like it was only natural. Like they were made for each other.)

“I thought about what you said,” Hyunjin started, leaving Jisung surprised. He had no idea what this was about. “About the sunsets, that they were  _ overrated _ .” Jisung nodded knowingly in response, but Hyunjin wasn’t done talking yet. “So I thought I would take you to see a sunrise… Sorry that you had to wake up so early though,” he finished on an enthusiastic note.

Jisung squeezed Hyunjin’s hand tighter, drawing circles with his thumb over the soft skin of Hyunjin’s palm. “Thank you,” he muttered heartfully, not knowing what else to say.

It was a lot to take in. No one has ever done anything like this for him. But Hyunjin was different, he knew that well enough already. He listened when Jisung rambled and was interested in what he had to say, he remembered little details and he always made sure Jisung felt  _ wanted _ and  _ important _ . It was somehow so much different than with Changbin, but only now did he manage to convince himself to admit it. Changbin was his best friend and they cared about each other a lot, but in no way did he feel the same with him as he did with Hyunjin. He never felt like Changbin’s hugs were more than comfort, but Hyunjin’s — they felt like coming home; with Changbin he felt youthful and like he was on the top of the world, but with Hyunjin he finally felt like he could be vulnerable without a second thought and still worthy of the best things in this galaxy. It was the little things that made him obviously sure what was the thing between them. And he could feel that Hyunjin knew it too.

Maybe that was why he broke the silence buzzing with what he only after moments did realise was anticipation. “I also remember something.” He felt Hyunjin’s stare at him, but couldn’t look away from the sky that was slowly becoming lighter with mixed pastels and the Sun hidden behind the clouds. “You said a thing about rooftops.” He smiled shyly, his ears red just at the thought that was circling his mind.

“I did,” Hyunjin admitted quietly, but Jisung could hear the smile in his voice.

Finally Jisung turned to look at Hyunjin and he immediately thought how much he wished life had a slow motion mode. He wished he had more time to take in the view in front of him — Hyunjin’s parted lips, trying to hide his excitement, his face covered in the shadow of still barely visible sunlight yet he was gleaming like all the light of this world was illuminating him in that moment; his eyes searching for the confirmation in Jisung’s expression and his gaze finally making so much sense to Jisung, validating what he had already knew deep inside.

“You mean…”

“Can I kiss you, Hyunjin?”

It felt like forever before Hyunjin managed to nod and close his eyes as Jisung caressed his face with gentle movements, so foreign yet so familiar. At that moment Jisung already knew that everything with Hyunjin felt like home that he had lost and was rediscovering. So he slowly closed the distance, at first pecking Hyunjin’s lips as if he still needed confirmation, and only then kissing him longer like he didn’t have any time to waste anymore. But he thought to himself,  _ it’s not true. _ He felt like he had all the time in the world to give to Hyunjin.

  
  
  


*

  
  


“I can’t believe this! This is too funny, wait til Chan hears about it…”

To say Jisung wasn’t in a good mood would be an understatement. He was furious, his fists wanted to punch something (preferably Hwang Hyunjin’s pretty face), yet he couldn’t do anything more than work on  _ that fucking song _ , as he liked to refer to it. On top of that there was Changbin, sitting with him in the studio, downing the third energy drink and not able to stop laughing at his friends’ situation.

“ _ You tell me you hate me, baby, I bet you do _ is my favourite for now. Play the rest.” Changbin was giggling, still trying to help Jisung with producing the song, but finding the position they were in too comedic to stay serious. “He has a way with words, doesn’t he?” he teased Jisung as he paused the song again. He thought for a moment, almost looking stone–faced. “Try turning up the guitar a little more. Wait a moment.  _ Maybe if you loved me like you said _ ?  _ You want me to forget you, okay, forget me too _ ? Aren’t you a little too emo, Jisung?”

Jisung scoffed, but still did what Changbin suggested. “I wanna get shitfaced,” he said casually, as casually as he could when he was still mad.

“Job first, drinking later,” Changbin insisted, even if both of them knew it never ended up like this. “Play the first verse once again.” He sighed, emptying the rest of the can. “I mean, I knew you’re an angsty teenager, but I didn’t know it was to this point. When I only knew your part I thought it sounded pretty cool, but, man, his part is so sarcastic he actually sounds like he hates you. Now you sound like you’re just sad.”

Jisung was stumped, but Changbin only confirmed what he was already thinking. “You think he hates me?” he asked, his voice suddenly quiet and sorrowful.

Changbin's smile faded. “He doesn’t, I’m sure of it. He hates you the same way you hate him,” he replied and Jisung immediately knew what he meant. “I’m going to the convenience store across the street for some booze, but when I’m back, I wanna see the song all done, okay?”

Jisung was sitting alone now, concentrated on changing the positions of music tracks in his programme, when the door to his studio opened. He almost yelled out  _ why are you back so quickly? _ , but turning his chair around, he saw someone who definitely wasn’t Changbin.

“What are you doing here?” he all but hissed, turning back to his computer.

“A little birdie told me that you were working on our song,” Hyunjin replied cheerfully, sitting on the chair beside Jisung.

“I’m pretty sure Changbin wouldn’t appreciate it if he heard you called him little.” Jisung didn’t know why he joked, but he could almost feel Hyunjin’s face light up with a smile, even though he wasn’t looking in his direction.

“I met him in the hall. Don’t tell me you let him eat a bag of candies or something, he looked high on sugar,” Hyunjin remarked and Jisung couldn’t understand why this conversation felt so casual.

(Or maybe he did, but didn’t want to admit it.)

“He had three energy drinks,” he said, trying to sound as uninterested in talking to Hyunjin as he could. “Now, if you don’t have anything better to do, get out of here, I’m trying to work.”

“And I’m trying to help. Play the song.”

After a few exaggerated sighs and eye rolls Jisung obliged.

“Why does my voice sound so weird?” Hyunjin suddenly accused, getting another heavy sigh from Jisung.

“I autotuned it a little?”

“A little? I don’t even sound like me anymore!”

“Jeez, you’re such a princess!”

Again.  _ Jisung, you dumb fuck, you called him that again. _ But Hyunjin didn’t seem to care, preoccupied with the way Jisung played around with autotune.

“Satisfied?” he asked after several series of trials and errors and to his surprise Hyunjin nodded. “So now you can leave me alone?”

Hyunjin was quiet for a minute, but when he spoke again, his voice was rid of all the previous playfulness. “Why do you hate me so much?”

Jisung was stumped. He couldn’t get his mouth to utter any word, playing with the string of his old hoodie and feeling his fingers go colder. “I don’t hate you,” he finally muttered.

“What?”

“I don’t hate you.”  _ I could never _ , he wanted to say,  _ I could never hate you, Hwang Hyunjin. _ “Do  _ you _ hate me?” he asked, almost scared to hear the answer.

But Hyunjin didn’t answer, at first looking away as if he searched for the reply in the room, then interrupted by Changbin coming back to the studio.

“I knew I would find you here!” he exclaimed happily, setting the bag with clinking bottles on the couch. “But don’t get on Jisung’s nerves too much, he’s in a bad mood today.” Jisung didn’t know why Changbin behaved like they were all friends again. Maybe he wouldn’t be able to stand the awkwardness that usually surrounded Jisung and Hyunjin. Maybe he just longed for the times when they used to hang out all together like there was no one else in the world.

“I noticed,” Hwang Hyunjin replied and Jisung could swear he saw concern in his eyes, but maybe it was the poor lighting that made him see things that weren’t there. “I’m gonna go now, have fun, you two,” he smiled, walking out of the room.

“What did you do to him?” Changbin accused as soon as Hyunjin left the studio. “He looks sad.”

“Sad? I should be the one who’s sad!” Jisung’s tone was loud and violent, but both of them knew that he didn’t mean it. “He hates me, hyung, I told you…”

And so they spent the rest of the evening and night sitting and drinking soju on the old leather couch, not talking about Hwang Hyunjin nor the song, but Jisung’s heart wouldn’t stay quiet. Now he knew why his part of the song was so much sadder than Hyunjin’s. Somehow he still had hope — that they would work out in the end, that they could be friends again, that Hyunjin at the very least didn’t hate him. But silence was enough of an answer to him. He wasn’t in Hwang Hyunjin’s heart anymore.

For the first time Jisung thought that he didn’t know what Hwang Hyunjin was feeling and it terrified him.

  
  


*

  
  


It was so beautiful for some time. They spent all their time together, walking to the park or sitting on  _ their _ rooftop, or watching movies in one of their dorms, or just talking wherever and whenever they could, and it felt almost like it did before, just with more making out. It felt like they had found home and it was in each others’ arms. Then life caught up to them, but Jisung still knew Hyunjin loved him without having to hear it, without seeing him everyday as Hyunjin started preparing for his comeback, without being kissed goodnight and getting a good morning text.

They still hung out as often as they could, but many times they did so with Changbin too as their mutual friend who started to miss Hyunjin almost as much as Jisung did. That made them even less able to just bathe in their mutual love and the atmosphere of intimacy like they used to. But they didn’t need it that much. They knew they loved each other.

Right?

Jisung got called in for a meeting, he learned that he would debut as a soloist. He also got his first official job as a producer for a new boygroup’s song. His dreams were slowly coming true. He called Hyunjin to scream about how excited he was, forgetting he was in the middle of a practice. Hyunjin answered and coldly requested for Jisung to call him later. Against himself Jisung felt like he didn’t even mean it. He ended up talking to Changbin and Chan, who he had been becoming closer over the weeks before, for the rest of the day about his future debut; he didn’t call Hyunjin and Hyunjin didn’t call him.

It was the first straw.

It was their anniversary and the day of Hyunjin’s comeback. Jisung got a call from his boyfriend — Hyunjin was stressed about the response of his fans. Jisung quickly comforted him. He was proud of Hyunjin, so proud, and his song was really good. He was sure it would do well. They decided to meet for a moment, even though they had previously decided to celebrate the next weekend. Hyunjin climbed into Jisung’s bed, burying his face in Jisung’s chest and listening to Jisung saying the same things he did on the call. Jisung said  _ I love you _ for the millionth time, knowing that Hyunjin felt the same. Hyunjin didn’t say it back.

It was the second straw.

Jisung’s debut day was a particularly stressful day. Changbin was stressing out, because his best friend was debuting, Chan was stressing out, because he helped produce the song, Jisung was stressing out about everything they did and even more. He heard like through several walls that Changbin tried calling Hyunjin to help ease Jisung’s nerves, but he didn’t answer. They learned a few hours later that he was hanging out with an old friend from high school. Jisung tried acting like he didn’t hear Changbin yelling at Hyunjin for ignoring them on such a day. For the first time Jisung let himself think that maybe he cared about his boyfriend a little too much.

It was the third straw.

It was days before his twentieth birthday, he was becoming too stressed about adulthood and couldn’t bring himself to bother Changbin or Chan, who were both older than him. He thought that maybe Hyunjin would be able to understand, having become an adult not that long ago himself. He called him late at night, but hearing a grumpy voice on the other end of the call, he chickened out, only saying that he wanted to say goodnight to  _ his beautiful boyfriend _ , expecting Hyunjin to at least scoff at him or maybe giggle like he used to whenever Jisung had complimented him. Instead, he stayed quiet, only after a moment wishing Jisung sweet dreams and hanging up. Jisung couldn’t sleep that night, thinking how did he go from telling Hyunjin his smallest concern to not being able to confide one of his biggest fears to him.

It was the fourth straw.

He somehow knew Hyunjin was thinking about the same thing. Jisung wasn’t a saint either. He knew he didn’t say  _ I love you _ enough, but he excused himself by thinking that Hyunjin didn’t say it often either. He sometimes ignored his phone calls, too hung up on the times when Hyunjin didn’t pick up either. He got too jealous any time he saw his boyfriend with another man and hardly ever was ready to listen to Hyunjin saying that he was ridiculous for even thinking about that, because how could he not think about it when it was the only thing he could feel in those moments. He thought maybe he didn’t show affection enough, too mad at his boyfriend about something that happened earlier, but he always acted like it wasn’t his fault at all. He was always too proud to apologise or accept an apology, but was also the first to cause an argument and lose his temper. He realised that for Hyunjin his career was more important, not being able to admit to himself that maybe he acted the same. They were both at blame, but Jisung tried to reason with himself that it was because it wasn’t worth fighting for.

(Deep down he knew he wanted to fight for it and wanted to believe that Hyunjin thought so too. He knew they both just chose the easy way. And he knew he was bound to regret it.)

“I know what you want to say, Jisung.”

“So you agree?”

Hyunjin was quiet for a moment, making hope rise in Jisung’s heart. Then it all came crashing down.

“You’re right. Let’s break up.”

(After all Jisung learned that hating Hwang Hyunjin was so much easier than loving him.)

  
  


*

  
  


Jisung was standing on their ( _ scratch that _ , he corrected himself immediately) rooftop, looking at the reddish sunset. Trying to focus on the shapes the clouds and intertwining colours made together left him a little calmer like he didn’t have enough space in his body for the anxiety that tried to get to him. He fiddled with the strings of his hoodie which was a little too light for the early autumn weather. He needed to think so he went for a walk, but somehow his feet led him there. He didn't oppose, just climbed to the top despite the chilling wind.

“I knew you’d be here.”

Jisung jumped in place, scared by the sudden voice behind him, but he tried not to let it show.

The day when their song was coming out. It was only natural for him to be nervous, but he was stressing out much more than usually. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that for the first time his song wasn't corrected by a whole team responsible for making his lyrics family friendly so for the first time he was showing his true unedited self, maybe it was the sole fact that he poured his heart into the song and apparently Hyunjin did the same, maybe it was how he was indirectly making it known to the public that he had a messy break up and if someone connected all the facts, it wouldn't be tough to come to the conclusion he must have dated Hwang Hyunjin.

“Since when do you like sunsets? I thought they were  _ overrated _ .”

“Stop acting like you know me,” Jisung snapped, shivering both from the cold and the variety of emotions going through him. He had already made peace with Hwang Hyunjin not caring for him (he had lied that time he comforted him in the studio, Jisung was sure of it), but his presence made him realise the wound was still fresh and he didn’t feel like picking at it. His body was already in a bad state from all the arrows shot at him, soaked in cold fear of releasing such a personal piece.

“Can’t we just talk like adults for once?” Hyunjin sighed and Jisung knew he rolled his eyes even if he didn’t see him. He knew that tone too well.

“Why would you even want to, Hwang Hyunjin? Didn't you have enough? We finished the song, what more do you want?”

He didn’t answer, letting Jisung come to his own conclusions, which weren’t as beautiful as the view in front of him. Instead, he leaned on the railing next to him, but keeping a safe distance between them.

“I miss you, Jisung,” he whispered.

Jisung didn’t know if it was a reply to his questions or just a statement, but he couldn’t care about it, when his mind had gone into entropy. His world was stable already: he came to terms with being hated by Hyunjin, he didn’t have any hope anymore. But then came Hwang Hyunjin and destroyed everything. He turned everything over again, and suddenly left was right, right was left and Jisung didn’t feel like he was neither, reversed and put back in that same old bathroom where he learned there was something more to Hwang Hyunjin than he could have ever thought.

“I really do. I wanted to say it the last time at your studio, but I got too scared. I miss your witty remarks and the way you would get mad at me for teasing you, and spending all nights with you when I danced and you worked on your songs, and I miss your company, and simply being friends with you, and being able to call you when I saw something that reminded me of you and–”

“Stop this!” Jisung interrupted, his fists clenched and lips trembling. “Just stop… You can’t make me believe you hate me one day and say this shit the other! Are you trying to play with me? Am I that obvious to you that you decided to make fun of me? Fuck off already!” He wanted to leave, but none of his muscles were cooperating, his knees went weak and he didn’t feel like he had enough strength to walk away.

“Jisung, no…”

“Stop talking.”

“Just listen to me for once!”

Jisung turned to him, not caring anymore about hiding the tears in his eyes. He would like to believe he was furious, but he just got overwhelmed by sadness. “I always listened to you,” he said, his voice void of emotions. At that moment he wasn’t sure if what he said was even true.

Hyunjin looked like a kicked puppy. He nodded, either acknowledging what Jisung said or just trying to ignore it. “Why did you give up so fast?” he asked instead.

“You did too!”

“Just because you wanted to!”

“So now it’s my fault?”

“No!” Hyunjin sighed, calming his emotions. “No… That’s not what I’m trying to say. I just wanted to say…” he hesitated. “I wanted to say that I wish we hadn’t given up so easily. That we had tried harder. Or that we at least had managed to stay friends. I mean it, Sung,” he added, seeing Jisung turn away. “How stupid is it that even after all this time I still have hope?”

Jisung didn’t answer, his throat was too tight to let any words escape. Hyunjin used his nickname and he already felt like he was going to cry his eyes out. What would happen if he said that he too, despite everything, still was hoping that they had a chance?

But after spending so long having regrets, Jisung was done hiding. He had enough of acting like he didn’t want to fight for them, like he didn’t care or like he could safely assume what any of Hyunjin’s words truly tried to express.

“What do you mean?” he asked, letting Hyunjin know that he was willing to listen despite the tears in his eyes.

“I mean that if I had a chance with you now, I wouldn’t have given up so easily.”

Jisung knew how his heart had always felt ever since they broke up, but for the first time he let it show. He hung his head down, a little smile on his face as tears rolled down his cheeks. He was free; he finally felt free from the expectations to show certain emotions or to make his heart beat in a way it didn’t, he felt free from the ego crushing his thoughts and taking up too much space in his mind.

“If I had to make the decision now, I would have kept on fighting for us too,” he whispered with a shaky voice. He was free, and he was happy.

“Ji, you’re crying?” Hyunjin sounded terrified. “Oh my, I’m so sorry–”

“Did you even hear what I said, you asshole?” Jisung laughed, looking up at Hyunjin. For the first time in a long while he let himself think  _ beautiful _ as he examined every part of this face, so different yet so familiar, lit up with a smile when he realised Jisung was okay.

“I did, I just don’t know what to say...”

“Then listen,” Jisung ordered, slowly reaching out towards Hyunjin’s hand and taking it into his own. He felt his heart skip a beat when he realised their hands still fit together like they used to.

Hyunjin looked at him both surprised and with expectation in his eyes.

“I think we both relied on the way we knew each other subconsciously too much and didn’t communicate enough because we thought the other knew everything anyway. So I’m here, communicating with you this time, Hyunjin. I know I still love you, and I know that I missed you very much, probably even more than you did. And if you’re willing to, I think we could try to make it work this time.”

“Han Jisung, you…” Hyunjin shyly raised his free hand to his face as if he was trying to secretly wipe off his tears. “I love you too. I always did, I swear I always will. And I want to try again with you, and I want to be yours again, if you want to take me back.”

Jisung smiled softly, lifting up their joined hands to kiss Hyunjin’s knuckles, which made him giggle nervously and his ears go red. “Friends? Again?” he laughed at the last word.

Hyunjin continued giggling as he looked into Jisung’s eyes. He leapt forward, squishing Jisung in between his arms. “Boyfriends?” he muttered into Jisung’s shoulder.

“Boyfriends on trial, princess,” he sighed, relieved, earning a scoff from Hyunjin, who almost pulled out from the hug, but Jisung held on too strongly to let him get away.

As the sun set above their heads they found themselves talking about anything and everything again as if their time apart was never there. Jisung didn’t know if he made the best decision he could in that situation, but he believed that no matter what, he would keep on fighting to make it the best decision of his life, he would make sure the home they built this time had walls made of concrete. And he knew that Hyunjin would too, but this time not because of the feeling he had deep inside him, but because Hyunjin said so, looking at the sky in front of them, but seeing their future together.

**Author's Note:**

> [ 3 ] the lyrics come from [forget me too](https://open.spotify.com/track/1VSuFS7PahCN3SWbOcQ98m?si=4e1GzB0IRFK5bF1AWHiwdQ) and [dude... wtf](https://open.spotify.com/track/74BFjSZaOUyGGG5iQ0QpMf?si=mdHmXk8dT8GJFt5XkNJ_OA)


End file.
